I learned a big, important, (and expensive) lesson in my business this year, and it had to do with boundaries — And I want to share it with you, so you don’t make the same mistake I did.
Here’s what happened:
Back in February I launched a new program. I had multiple folks reach out and within a few days all the spaces were full.
One of the people who enrolled in the program was someone I had known for years. We initially met through courses, and group ceremonies we both had participated in. I felt really excited to work with her.
Because we were “friends” I had a very relaxed agreement regarding our work together.
I had terms like…
“Try to give me 12 hours notice if you need to reschedule.”
“Communicate your needs with me”
But within a few weeks, I realized I had made a big mistake by not setting clear expectations.
She constantly rescheduled with short notice, she went weeks without communicating, and two and a half months after signing up my 10 week program, she had only completed two sessions.
I tried to be flexible for this person. I tried to be a good friend. And I tried to be nice.
But I knew, deep down, that something was not right. I could feel that this situation was getting out of hand, but ultimately I felt a lot of shame around not having set clear boundaries.
I would reach out, and then not hear anything for days, or even weeks.
When I did get a response, she said, “Sorry I haven’t been in touch, I’ll reach out tomorrow to book our next session.”
And then nearly 3 months went by. Nothing. I sent multiple emails trying to offer solutions. Still nothing.
She straight up ghosted me.
Then in mid August, I finally got an email from her. And even though she had ghosted, part of me knew that eventually this email would come my way.
Sure enough, it was an email asking for a refund.
Even though I had tried for months to find a solution… even though I had held space in my business for this person… even though she NEVER communicated her needs with me, she had the nerve to ask for a refund.
After deep reflection, and more back and forth emails, I said in an email, “ I’ll pay you back 20% of your initial investment because you did do SOME of the work.”
And true to form… no response.
I thought it was behind me, and then last week I got a message from her.
She said “I’ve consulted with my lawyer, and based on what we did complete, I can not accept anything less than 45%.” And suggested that she would look into legal action if I didn’t comply.
Because I never had her sign a contract, she stated that it was “unethical” to hold her money without finishing the program (Even though I tried for months to complete her sessions.)
After I read this I wanted to cry and puke at the same time. There was no way I was going to court. (I’m currently living in Mexico)
So I authorized the refund.
Not because I believed she was right, but because I needed to honor my own energy, and be done with this source of stress.
Here’s the lesson I learned from all this:
People (specifically women) in our society are conditioned to have weak boundaries. We are taught that telling people “no” and being firm in our personal needs makes us a bitch.
So we become hyper flexible.
We aim to please EVERYONE.
And we allow people to make us feel unappreciated and undervalued.
All because we’re afraid of how people might react to our strong boundaries.
I learned that when it comes to boundaries, it is up to us to name them and enforce them.
Frankly, if people don’t respect your boundaries, they don’t respect you. And they sure as hell don’t deserve your time and energy as a change-maker.
So I say we switch it up. Instead of operating from a space of fear, lets…
Set strong boundaries to protect ourselves and our clients. When we protect ourselves and our clients, we break down the bullshit conditioning of bending over backwards to please.
If you are a business owner (or thinking about starting a business), don’t make the same mistake I did.
Make air tight Terms and Conditions for the smaller offers, and have your clients sign contracts for the bigger offers.
Protect yourself energetically and legally.
Your work is sacred.
You deserve to feel safe in your business.
Setting firm boundaries is the kindest thing you can do.
Love + Liberation,
Lauren Elizabeth